Restless Mind Syndrome

Dreams. I have thousands. How bout you? When I was a little girl I dreamed of being a Zoo Keeper. Then I dreamed of being a super model (I almost lied about this and I wish it were not true, but it is). Then I dreamed of being a business woman in New York. Then I wanted to be an Interior Designer. Then I wanted to be a Journalist. Then I wanted to be a Lawyer.

I am none of these things.

I graduated from Arizona State University 3 years ago with a degree in History. I had gone back to school after a 10 year absence during which I got married and had 2 children. I decided to go back to school after my husband graduated from ASU because that was the plan all along and I wanted to finish something. (I have a wonderful husband who encouraged me to do this. Thanks honey!) Why the history degree? Because being an attorney was my dream at the time and I love History and my counselor said it was a good idea on the road to Law School. I graduated with a History Degree, a solid G.P.A., a sense of accomplishment and a brand new son named Connor!

Law school was out. Or at least postponed.

Flash forward to now. Connor will be starting Kindergarten next year and I am starting to hear that inner voice whispering. . . . " Oh crap, its time to get ready for Law School." Its the "Oh crap" part that's freaking me out. I thought I wanted to go to Law School. Don't I want to go to Law School? That burning desire to argue in front of a judge and say things like "I object!" is not really there anymore and it scares me.

All of the sudden I am a 10 year old girl again wondering what I want to be when I grow up. Don't get me wrong, being a mom is my number one priority and I absolutely love it. I love being here when they get home from school. I love hounding them relentlessly until they tell me every detail of every recess and lunch break. I actually enjoy taking them to piano lessons and gymnastics and preschool and all of those Soccer Mom requirements. Maybe this should be enough. It really is the greatest job and I know it is enough for a lot of women and I envy that. But I want something just for me. . . you know? So here I sit. . . wondering what's next. Wondering what I want to do and wondering why I don't know what that is. I'm 35 years old for crying out loud. Will I ever figure out what my passion is? I've ruled out Zoo Keeping and Wall Street. And I'm pretty sure "America's Next Top Model" will not be calling me any time soon.

So my question to the universe is, "Am I doomed to continually change my dreams without picking one until I die?" That sounds depressing and I don't mean it to. I guess I'm on a quest to discover what it is I really want to do with my "post-having babies" life. Maybe the real question is, "Do I even have to pick one dream or is it okay to constantly find and follow new ones?"

I really don't know the answer to this and its making my brain hurt. Life is so short and I have so many things I want to do and places I want to see that I don't know how to pick one. Or even if I'm supposed to pick one.

Have you every heard of "Restless Leg Syndrome?" I think I have "Restless Mind Syndrome."

Dishes.